chocolate

When you work in an office with 8 other people, frustrating days are bound to happen. Personalities will clash. Feelings will be hurt. It's just the nature of the beast.  Especially when you are as close as we are (physically close and close in our relationships). Today is one of those days.  My co-workers often give me a hard time because I stockpile chocolate.  I will buy chocolate, then let it sit in my desk for days, weeks, months.  And I will want chocolate during that time, but I will never eat what I have in my desk because I say I know a bad day is always lurking around the corner and I will NEED chocolate (girls, you understand), and I won't have any.  Friends, today is a great example of why I stockpile.  Bring on the chocolate!

Summertime

There is something about summer that makes me a calmer person.  The week students leave campus, I become a new person. I'm not sure why seeing as I do not work with the students on campus. But something about an empty campus makes me wash my cares away.  Or at least my work stress. 

That being said, I already feel like my summer is gone.  Between work retreats and weddings, the month of July basically doesn't exist.  Then it's August, and travel season is lurking right around the corner. So June will be my summer. And I'm determined to make it good.  Our 3 year anniversary is next Monday.  While we are trying to actually stick to a budget for the first time, I couldn't accept not doing anything for our anniversary. So I just splurged and booked a night at this cute Bed and Breakfast in Hot Springs (Hilltop Manor) I'm excited.  Maybe we shouldn't be spending the money on it, but we are in desperate need for a getaway so it will be totally worth it. 
Also since I've slacked on blogging recently, we spent the weekend in Texas with my Best and best-in-law, Carrissa and Trey. It was SO much fun.  Eric and I met Carrissa and Trey in college and have been best friends since the beginning.  They stayed in Arkadelphia for about a year after we all graduated, and then moved to Texas last January.  It has been a hard year, but we still find time for our friendship.  The weekend was much too short, and I may or may not have spent a lot of it crying because we would have to leave..., but it was still great to see them.  We spent part of Saturday at the aquarium.  And let's just say, aquarium's only get better with age. I just THOUGHT I loved it when I was 5.  I was is heaven. 

Best

I really, really dislike Texas. I'm not sure why except the traffic drives me bonkers.  I have to spend a week or so traveling in the DFW area for work every fall. I spend most of the time sitting at my hotel or sitting in traffic. It isn't fun.  But, there is one thing that will make me travel to Texas at the drop of a hat. And that is my Best. Her and her husband lived in Arkadelphia for a year after we graduated, then moved back to Carrissa's hometown last year.  It's been hard. But our friendship has proved itself. This weekend Eric and I are making the trip to Texas for some much needed Best time with Carrissa and Trey. Excited would be an understatement :) We do not have any super grand plans, but we don't need them.  What I do need is time to share, laugh and maybe even cry. And I can do that anywhere as long as I get to see Best. So weekend, please hurry!

Confession

I'm just not feeling church today. Instead of being at church right now, I'm sitting on the back porch enjoying the birds chirping. I even went to church. Sat through Sunday school (I love our class) and went to the service for a bit. But I found myself dreading the service once I looked at the program. So I left. I know this is bad of me as a believer. Even when I'm not "feeling" church, I need to be there. But lately I've been struggling with not feeling like I worship during our service.
I sing.
I stand.
I sit.
I sing.
I listen.
I stand.
I sit.
I leave.
My heart isn't in the right place. I've always felt I worship God most through his creation. When I sit in peace and actually see His creation, I worship Him. I praise Him for the things He created for us, for me. I praise Him for being so mighty that He could create this for us, for me.
So today-
I sit. I'll sit outside and marvel at His might and beauty.
I sing. I'll sing songs of my love for my Savior while enjoying His creation.
I pray. I'll pray that He restores my heart so that I can truly worship Him.

Broken Family

Eric's parents are divorced. They have been for years (somewhere around 14 or so).  One of our biggest struggles as a couple throughout dating, engagement, and marriage has been how to handle this situation.  His parents did not separate on good terms, nor have they came to good terms since then.  And even though Eric is 23, it is still as if he is the young kid who one parent should have custody of and the other doesn't have legal rights to.  We love both of his parents dearly.  But it seems one parent associates any activity with the other parent as us purposely hurting/attacking/betraying them.  We have tried all sorts of ways to deal with them.  Don't tell them when we see the other parent, do tell them, tell them after fact, all of these result in the same reaction.  A huge fight. A lecture on how Eric is betraying them. blah, blah, blah the list goes on.  
It is draining. 
Draining to us as individuals and to our marriage.  I hate being in this place. This place where we are trying to do right, but are coaxed into feeling bad about our decisions.  This place where we store up old feelings of bitterness.  We have no idea how to make it better. And the situation will never go away.  One day we will have a child. And both of Eric's parents will be a part of that child's life.  So they just have to learn to deal. Or we have to learn to let go and maybe back away from that parent if that it what it takes.  Lord knows we do not want to. The parent that gets the most offended is the one we are the closest to. The one who actually wants something to do with us.  But the other parent is still there. And always will be. And when they ask to be a part of our life (which is rare), or invite us into a part of theirs (also a rare occurrence), we will not turn them away.  This whole ordeal makes me want to move far, far away. Run away from the problems. But that will not solve anything. The trouble is, I don't know if anything can be solved.  And that, that is heartbreaking. Emotions are a funny thing. And sometimes, the ugly ones (hate, fear, anger) can take over any logical thinking and control your life. And when that happens to a friend or family member, you can't make it better. They have to learn to cope and deal. 

Beautiful Weekend

     We had a great weekend.  A dear friend of mine was on campus Saturday for graduation so I met up with her and our other friend, Edith, at Edith's house.  We try to get together from time to time to catch up, but it is crazy how hard it is to get together.  (Seriously. Who knew being an adult was so crazy.) We didn't have too much time together, but it was a fun few hours :)  Sunday, Eric preached at Saddle Creek in Little Rock. (One of his former professors is their interim pastor and asked Eric to fill in for him.  Pretty big honor since Dr. Carter taught Eric Homiletics!) Typically I am a nervous wreck when Eric preaches.  I have normally heard and read his sermon several times by Sunday and I spend the whole morning praying he remembers everything.  This Sunday I asked if I could not do that. I didn't want to know his sermon points. I wanted to just listen.  This is definitely the way to go!  My husband is a great preacher.  His way of preaching is very conversational, like a teaching lesson more than a sermon. I know some people probably do not like this style, but I love it.  My friend who was here for graduation also came to hear Eric preach since she lives in Little Rock.  Her twin sister came as well. It was so great to see them. (They were my college suitemates. Suitemate love!) They recently lost their mother so I was honored they chose to spend part of their Mother's Day with me.  
     After church we went to lunch then headed down to the great Arkansas County.  It's amazing to me how I can love that place so much.  The second I begin to see miles and miles of fields, my soul knows I am home.  I surprised my mom and she was so excited.  We had a great visit. Went for a ride and wound up down at the Post.  When I lived at home, we would go riding every Sunday afternoon.  It was great to do that again yesterday.  (By the way, does anyone else do this? or is it a south Arkansas thing? Either way, I love it).  
     We do not seem to understand how much we miss home until we are leaving.  I honestly hope that we are able to live closer to home some day.  I am the first person in my entire, and I mean entire, family to not live in DeWitt.  Because of this no one seems to understand why I have not moved back yet.  I was the only person to go off to college, and that was a hard concept for them. But they just assumed I'd move back afterwards.  After days like yesterday, I sometimes wonder why we haven't.  

reminiscing

For the past two days I have watched graduation prep outside my office window.  The mowing of the grass, the painting of Cone Bottoms, the setting up of the stage and the beautiful white chairs.  In my job, I talk to students daily about my experience at Ouachita.  When I started, I would talk about freshmen year in terms of "a few years ago", but now I've officially had to move into the actual year talk.  I often forget that I started college 7 years ago, and graduated 3 years ago. When did that happen?  Working with college students has given me the false idea that I am still college age.  But watching the current seniors (hardly any of which I know) sit outside my office during graduation practice is bringing me to terms with the fact that I am growing up.  I have grown up. Basically the only students I know on campus are the ones I have recruited over the past 3 years.  These students graduating were, what, freshmen when I graduated? I have been married for almost 3 years. I will turn 25 in a few months. (hopefully) in a few years I will be a mother.  I have grown up. But a part of me, a small part of me, wishes I was sitting outside right now.  With the excitement of marriage and a new job just around the corner. That was a fun stage of life.  But there are plenty of fun stages of life ahead of me, and I am ready to begin anticipating them instead of reminiscing on those of the past. Look out future- ready or not, here I come.