Eric's parents are divorced. They have been for years (somewhere around 14 or so). One of our biggest struggles as a couple throughout dating, engagement, and marriage has been how to handle this situation. His parents did not separate on good terms, nor have they came to good terms since then. And even though Eric is 23, it is still as if he is the young kid who one parent should have custody of and the other doesn't have legal rights to. We love both of his parents dearly. But it seems one parent associates any activity with the other parent as us purposely hurting/attacking/betraying them. We have tried all sorts of ways to deal with them. Don't tell them when we see the other parent, do tell them, tell them after fact, all of these result in the same reaction. A huge fight. A lecture on how Eric is betraying them. blah, blah, blah the list goes on.
It is draining.
Draining to us as individuals and to our marriage. I hate being in this place. This place where we are trying to do right, but are coaxed into feeling bad about our decisions. This place where we store up old feelings of bitterness. We have no idea how to make it better. And the situation will never go away. One day we will have a child. And both of Eric's parents will be a part of that child's life. So they just have to learn to deal. Or we have to learn to let go and maybe back away from that parent if that it what it takes. Lord knows we do not want to. The parent that gets the most offended is the one we are the closest to. The one who actually wants something to do with us. But the other parent is still there. And always will be. And when they ask to be a part of our life (which is rare), or invite us into a part of theirs (also a rare occurrence), we will not turn them away. This whole ordeal makes me want to move far, far away. Run away from the problems. But that will not solve anything. The trouble is, I don't know if anything can be solved. And that, that is heartbreaking. Emotions are a funny thing. And sometimes, the ugly ones (hate, fear, anger) can take over any logical thinking and control your life. And when that happens to a friend or family member, you can't make it better. They have to learn to cope and deal.
My mom's parents had an ugly divorce. They weren't speaking. And my mom hardly spoke with her mom (she chose to live with her dad). When I came along (the first grandbaby), she was really frank with them. She told them she was only throwing one birthday party, one Christmas at her house, one dance recital, etc. They were welcome to come be a part of my life and be a great grandparent if they could get along. If not, then they were not welcome as a part of my life because my mom was never going to make me choose between them like she had to. They have been friends ever since! She had to be firm, but it made them get over themselves.
ReplyDeleteI know we have the right to say that to them now, but I still almost do not feel that we do. That is one thing I am looking forward to about kids -that sounds bad. That is in no means why I want kids or something I am excited about. I just feel that is when the right becomes mine. I will then feel I have a right to protect my family and be able to tell them "no". Until then, I don't feel I have that right. I know we ultimately do as adults, but it still doesn't feel right. I hope they are able to get over themselves like your grandparents did!
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